Mr. Bailey Boo Radley – King of Dover, NH

Warning: Long post up ahead

At the end of this past summer as I was in the middle of my mission to FINALLY do a blog challenge and blog at least one picture for 30 days straight (and I was actually doing it, amazing), I couldn’t ignore this gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I dipped into a bit of a low point emotionally, which I even talked about vaguely in some of the entries, and tried to pull myself out of it…but I couldn’t fully get there. I felt there was something wrong, but I was having trouble admitting that I knew exactly what it was: I was losing my dear cat Bailey.

About 4 years ago, Bailey developed Pancreatitis and he had a really weak stomach and had to be on special food that was soothing to his belly. And because he wasn’t fond of the taste as well as the diet was super low in fats, he gradually lost weight. We would have him checked every 6 months since he was an older guy and would do blood work to make sure nothing was wrong and sure enough, he was just fine for many many years. About a year back he began to vomit more frequently at night (lots of late nights jumping out of the bed to soothe him) and the vet said that maybe he just needed to have food later in the night because his stomach may be super sensitive to being empty after dinner – so much like a human who likes to snack before bed, we gave him and Dex (our other kitty) a snack before we’d head to sleep. He’d plateau and do fine for a few months and then get a few upset stomach problems all while he was still medically ok.

But then almost suddenly, Bailey just didn’t seem to be doing well.

Oscar and I had just gotten married and were in a wonderful lull of being newlyweds but yet that sadness happened to me. And try as I might to ignore it, I knew Bailey was not well. I have always felt I have some sort of different level of connection with him and I think he was really trying to let me know that something wasn’t right.

So Oscar + I decided to take him into the vet to get blood work done early than his usual 6 month appointment and have her look at him. The amazing team of girls at the vet’s office were all excited to see us and wanted to hear about the wedding, but I couldn’t even muster an true smile, I knew today would not go well.

Dr. Rennie (who I love and recommend you use if you are local) did her initial exam of him and upon feeling all of his internal organs, her face fell and she told us the news. Bailey had a large mass in his intestines. I’m leaving out the details, but suffice it to say that she felt he should either have it removed surgically and hope that all went well, or he should be put to sleep. Apparently the cancer she belived he had was a fast moving one. One that unless treated in the next few days days was not going to allow him to live very long.

My heart sank deep, the tears fell fast and hot down my face and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to carry myself out of the building. Oscar and I were defeated and ripped apart – our first baby was sick…very sick. If you remember from previous posts, (here is one and another) this is the kitty my mom rescued for me in 1999 when I lived in my very first apartment. He was 3 years old at that time and he was my WORLD. This would be the first pet that was strictly mine that I would have to say goodbye to and it was tearing me apart to know the time was close.

This all hurts to write, I can’t tell you how much I love him. He was and always will be, the coolest cat I have ever met. Big personality, big heart and a big Momma’s boy….

Sigh….

Oscar and I went through the motions the next few days and took him to get an ultrasound which showed it was indeed a large cancerous mass that would soon be very painful for him. It grew fast, the doctor said, and it was the type of cancer that was aggressive and would soon be too much for him. She said we could do surgery to hopefully remove it and chemotherapy for the last months of his life but I didn’t think that was fair. He’d have to be sedated and go to a hospital once a week, if not more, for over 2 hours. If you know cats, you know they don’t like to travel, much less be poked and prodded by a doctor. And even with surgery and chemo, the doctor said he would only live another 6 months at most.

Oscar and I contemplated it. We did surgery for him a few times for relatively minor things and we did a major one for Dexter a year ago….but this was different. Doing this surgery meant he would be miserable for the last few months of his life…if he even made it successfully through the surgery which was another concern due to his age.

I talked to our vet a lot and wanted to know what she felt and she said that if he was hers, she said she would let him die with dignity and would say goodbye to him before the pain was too much. So with our hearts in our throats, Oscar and I made an appointment for the following Friday to have him put to sleep. It would give us the rest of the weekend and a few weekdays to spend some time with him. The vet said we could give him anything he wanted to eat (which meant a lot of his favorites: cheese, milk, tuna and boiled chicken!) and she sent us home with some painkillers to make him comfortable.

Those next few days consisted of a lot of family time. Oscar worked from home with me and the boys, we took photos, sang his special songs (yes, I have a special Bailey song or two), brought him with us wherever we were in the house in his beanbag seat or basket, and just loved on him. For the first few days he seemed to be doing better and I talked to the vet again and she said that we should stick with the plan and if it seemed he was better, it was most likely just due to the painkillers. This is what I knew in my heart, but my head had to ask.

About two days after his diagnosis, he was no longer comfortable sleeping on the bed with us. I am not sure if due to the movement we made as we slept that got him uncomfortable or what, but after years and years of always having him sleep with me every single night, even if it was hotter than hell, we had to make him his own bed on my side so I could reach out and pet him every so often. But late on Monday night, he took a turn for the worse. He was up a great deal and trying to use the cat box uncomfortably. It made no sense to keep him alive longer than was necessary if he was feeling so badly, especially since we were choosing this option to specifically avoid his discomfort as much as possible. The rest of that Tuesday was gut wrenching as Bailey’s health seemed to take a further nosedive. Our doctor had been right, this was going downhill for him fast.

With our hearts in our throats, we changed our appointment and exactly 6 days after his diagnosis, we said goodbye (for now) to our sweet Bailey-Boo Radley. I don’t want to go into too many details about all of this just because it’s not something that needs to be said and I don’t think I can find the right words for a lot of the pain Oscar and I felt during this time anyways; but know that it was the most difficult experience we have had to face together. I am so thankful I had my amazing husband, my baby Dexter, my parents who talked to me endlessly and my close friends to support me. Without them, I don’t know what kind of mess I would be in.

I know Bailey is still around, I can feel him and there are certain things that happen around the house that let me know he is still looking after me. And I also know that I am no longer as frightened about passing away one day because I am absolutely certain he will be there waiting for me; and that is one of the coolest things ever. I can’t wait to squeeze him and twirl his long hair while I lay by his side and he purrs in my ear. It will be so wonderful.

My heart will always hurt in the part where I hold him close to me and I don’t think I will ever not just break down into tears every so often, but we are keeping his spirit alive and well in the house. Oscar and I talk about him daily and we still plan to continue hanging his stocking at Christmas like we did this year (Bailey LOVED Christmas. Seriously, I’m fer-real) as well as other things that we will keep between just the two of us. We aren’t letting him drift from our memory; we want him to always be a part of our lives.

And so we go on. We don’t attempt to heal completely, because we know it isn’t possible, and we don’t think of replacing his presence because no one could fill his spot. We do however think about what our Dexter needs and what we need as a family…and so this December 13th, we adopted a little man. A little man we named Otis. He’s sweet, loving, loud, fun and seems to have a smidge of Bailey in him which makes me smile. Tune in tomorrow for more about him.

Thank you for sticking around to this point for those of you who did. I wouldn’t have because I can’t even think about reading sad stories about animals – it makes me all sorts of a mess :) But thank you for reading and please say a little, “Hi Bailey-Boo Radley!” real quick for me, he’d love the attention ;)